.

I watch you

Your bright colors are so well known

The lines that create your figure are common ones

But I see you

The boards on the floor are lifting

The walls aren't as smooth as they first appear

The stains in the carpet are becoming noticeable

The closed doors are shedding light

The cracks are coming out of hibernation

Your fragile structure can't hold your capacity any longer

It can't resist your fate for freedom

Bars won't hold in your spirit no more

You are becoming imperfect because now you are feeling.

Living Out Loud.

You Vant to Know a Secrettt. Vell I Vill Tell Youz.

I just had a 17 minute conversation with my sister and a successful one at that. She left me a voicemail earlier to wish me a happy birthday and how mentally easy it would have been to send her a text message back-I even planned what I would have said 'Thank you, happy unbirthday to you. Enjoy this day.' Because I haven't had a conversation with her since.........winter break. Well hi 6 months later. How natural it is to not talk because that way we stay safe, that way I feel safe. We never discuss and she hates my rambling. I think I'm taking after my dad with rambling but saying at least one things that moves you. And ladies and gentlemen this is my GOAL IN LIFE [I actually wrote it down today to confirm it and here I am to share it with you people because I think you are overly worthy].

'My dream is to learn how to influence people, how to move them, whether it be through my art, my stillness, or my words. How to have an effect on people. My dream is to invest in you and to fall for one another. To make our souls compatible.'

It will take time and it will be a task, but that's why it's most valuable. I also have to remind myself a lot because often I forget even if I have a purpose.

So why not start with grabbing the reigns of the strongest reindeer? We talked among our current events and I dipped right in with my philosophy referencing and having a creative outlet to feel fulfilled. Good thing I have been practicing for such a casual speech. And you know what? I got her excited for something, I'm going to start sending her mail art. I committed to doing it consistently and said she can too if she has time. I'm back at this route of attempting to give endlessly and not wrap my head around receiving. That's up to the other side. I'm trying to shake up her definition of happiness. You can be happy right here in the Present rather then making yourself look forward to happiness while being unhappy along the way, because when you think you reached the thing that is 'suppose' to make you happy it won't give you this feeling. You've carried this unhappy baggage too long to make an automatic switch into bliss. No physical thing can, it comes from within you. That's my way of thinking anyhow, share with me what thoughts have arose in your mind while reading this. Related, slightly related, whichever.

2 decades

20 years I have been alive, well in this lifetime at least.

I suppose this is the time to ponder and pull words from above.

My first thought is that I think I like life. Life and I are one. I haven't grown to love it unconditionally quite yet but it's okay because I'm building a relationship with it/within myself. I cannot naturally burst 'I love life', that would be like a girl mixing up a crush with a full on in-love situation [been there done that]. I'm spending time with it, getting a feel, evolving an infatuation towards the truest of true. I'm learning how to settle in my armchair to know the structure, the layers, the foundation; and once I do I will soon learn how to balance on it in ways that will amaze you.

Some are already in love [or maybe they only think so], they are already feeling the joy. They are my references not my competition. How did they get to the level of Being so quickly, how have their neurons experience so much in so little time? I am a turtle, an elephant, a bird. Taking time, dipping my toes, following a herd from time to time, wandering aimlessly. But now, NOW I am gaining. I'm traveling with the wind.

I've found some stones you see. By the sea, in the woods, among the desert, even from foreign lands. I have them in my bare hands, trying to build this foundation of mine. Slow and thoughtful I'd say I am and all I can be is sure as can be. It's a difficult task can't you see? Because while I'm laboring I stare in awe of the sky, it's eternity. Once it's beauty subsides in me for a short while, I noticed you've built your fort, your roof over your head. How did you-? What the-? I can't duplicate yours because why would I want to? I need to make mine for me, because in the long run I want this 'home' to be of my work, of my knowledge that I've built upon all on my own. It's curves and edges I've created. So you go on, dance and sing. I'll admire you from here, trying to feel your light, but listen to my rhythm and watch my movements. Because one day I'll join you and we'll all be great twirls under the same constellation.

Like Whoa

Draw the art you want to see, make the music you want to hear, write the books you want to read.

-Austin Kleon

I found this quote on a blog I recently discovered: http://www.pearshapes.blogspot.com/

She is an art student among the jungle of New York and she made me realize that even though it's good I'm drawing and creating consistently these days, they should start having deeper meaning and purpose.

Just. Like. Me.

Holla

Dizziness in Freedom

"Freedom, however, is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon whose positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness."

This is what I have. Total freedom, but no responsibilities. How does it feel you ask? It frankly sucks. This corresponds to "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." It's been difficult to gain purpose since I've been back and somewhere this is why I have no interest in chatting, texting, and talking on the phone for the most part. Chatter now just has the appearance of words rumbling out of an ego. The only words that have really interested me are those of poetry or philosophy. Sure reading is purposeful for my knowledge, but I want to do something. I've never said 'I don't know what to do with my life anymore' as much as I do now. Things seem pointless in retrospective, sure they can excite you but only for a moment only temporarily. 'Isn't that the worth of living though?', my response would be when I was more lively. The point now is how does one go about finding meaning and purpose. How do you get motivation knocked back into you. What is YOUR reason for being here, what are you meant to do? What are you going to do to make your name known by others and how are you going to go about that? A life unnoticed indeed seems like a waste, though somewhere inside of me still can't understand comprehend that concept. It'll be the day when my heart and my mind are aligned with one other.

Never like today

Leeks and bacon [sOOOO good]

Smoothies to be frozen so I can treat them as ice cream

Fudge babies that look like turds

Homemade hummus

Attempted tapenade

:)

Mm Mm Good

Today marks the first day back in Tucson, and I have nothing to do but be productive and grow-I hope. So a priority is to restock the condo and go grocery shopping. The goal is to cook more, learn from recipes, and create a chef instinct. Last night I cooked lentils! In the next day or so I plan to make the following: hummus, tapenade, gazpacho, and fudge babies [thanks to Case].

And maybe I'll work on my resume.

PS While cleaning out the pantry and deciding what dried food remains safe to eat, I stumbled upon a container of plaster...? Now I'm paranoid about the OTHER container that is flour.