Ready As I'll Ever Be

It was the first lazy day in months. How good it felt to revive, how uncomforting at the same time. It was a rainy day here in Florence. And to think I would be able to first pack away my big coats NOT. But I did need one more rainy day in my Italian life, just one more. So that I could remember the way it feels to share an umbrella with a complete foreign stranger for two seconds as he comes from the other direction on these narrow cobblestone sidewalks. For that moment, I feel a smile in my heart. There is something about having secret internal feelings.

Last night was the art and fashion show. Boy oh boy. To think it's almost over. To think I leave this town in 7 days. To think. I cannot wait to REALLY spend time to think this summer. I feel as though I've been so wrapped up in being 'physically busy', I haven't found the right balance to be truly and thoughtfully busy. My brain has been feeling pretty empty the past few months to be honest, not too much has been rotating up there. It's just not the same when I'm not creating concepts as much as I did last semester and a part of it was because I spent a majority of my time alone, to develop on my own.

Recap and additions to summer commitments:

Internship/job in Tucson

Frequently watch movies/documentaries [goal is to watch one daily]

Cook from recipes to form a kitchen foundation

Learn a new word a day to expand my vocabulary

Draw in sketchbook daily/record what I learn from each day

Read read read

I know it seems I have many things I want to do daily. Maybe I will set up a routine structure with room for spontaneity. It's always best to at least start things out with an over-accomplishing passion isn't it? Another thing: go to sleep early to wake up early.

O me, O life, O how it feels to feel.

Thank you to my genius for giving me the impulse to study abroad. I wouldn't have done it without your strong drive. You did well to put me in a realm of darkness to find the sunlight. To rediscover myself, to build another stone of foundation, to be proud, to be okay with myself, to create so many loves for things I didn't know existed prior, to realize what I'm all about, to not care what doesn't need to be cared for, to let loose.

We aren't stuck, we are just confused

Maybe life is about giving into our human emotions; to follow these magical instincts or is this classified as a weakness? Can the mind be so strong to resist or stronger to give in? Let me just break down in front of you right here right now. I've been a mess [the usual], my mind feels like it's falling apart. I don't know what to have my brain think anymore. It's easy for me to cry either because of underground stress or because I know something is about to end or because I've been inhaling too many toxic art chemicals or because I'm emotionally unstable at the end of every semester. I've always been a sensitive being. How can life carry so much heartache when I haven't even experienced heartache as it is universally known. I can't love in a state like this or even interact. Maybe I should draw away from the world, perhaps escaping is most favorable because no one talks about their feelings like the way I do. They wouldn't understand the multitudes I carry. The silent multitudes.

Then you came along

I've been thinking about you, a lot

As if you were a far away memory or something I made up

Will I ever speak to you again, I wonder constantly

Oh how much you've been consuming my mind in the sneakiest of ways

It wasn't healthy what we did

We tried to take a plunge

I was following an unnatural impulse yet it felt nothing but right

An intense and quick act

I've never seen such a brief glimpse of a soul

You were in reach, then you disappeared without me

What good did it do us in the end

Creating a what-if

I think it could've been something beautiful

Oil and water could have finally mixed

But you were stubborn, stuck in the universal reality

I could have created a new reality for you

We could have

Look what you did, what heavy emotional baggage you put on me

.... . . .But, will I ever see you again?

This is what's been churning in my mindful channels

The world drops you in my way on this current day

My heart caved in and my lungs plummeted

A short of breath.

Static

Today quite possibly was the most beautiful day Florence has seen in the past three months. The most ideal weather ever. 20 degrees celsius [whatever that converts to], sunny yet breezy. Unfortunately I slept in until 11 and took an hour nap a few hours later. Though, in between and after my nap, I went about the city and drew sceneries. You would think such a day would be motivating, but I didn't know what to do with myself for the past 11ish hours. I kept going back and forth on whether I should do this or that and realizing how much time was wasted on my indecisiveness. It even took me two hours to get out of bed this morning. I despise getting in this slump of unsureness and even no thinking. It's like my brain went on neutral or sleep mode. I'm just this walking, breathing thing with not much to say. A similar case happened during winter break. I think the future is hitting home. I know a big change is coming soon: Returning back. Yes, yes I recall this during break because I was silently anticipating moving to Florence, now it's the same process but reverse. This mindless state I'm in, not wanting to deal with anything especially reality. There's an endless list of things to do within the next 21 days. TWENTY ONE DAYS. I wish the end date of the program was an obscure number, like 26, so it wouldn't be so easy to subtract today's date from the 30th.

Stillness won't be known, only when it is allowed when taking in a moment. The stillness that I experienced tonight was no good. I played songs that I use to play over and over last semester and they brought upsetting memories and longing. How easily songs can influence your mood and thought process.

Tonight I take it easy, actually watch a movie [this is unlikely, my attention never spans long enough], continue to write my Venice short story, write in my journal, subconscious drawing, organizing my room, or reading my Walt Whitman book of which I've been carrying all day but never cracking it open. Perhaps I'll just shower, drink peach juice, and go to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day, where I'll welcome it with a subtle smile and a heart with passion.

Together We Are

In spare moments, I tend to question why I am here; or people in general. Not with a depressing, losing my mind sort of way, but zooming out from the region I am located, spanning out to view the world in its entirety.

I am here for you and you are here for me. Existence depending on existence. Simple as that.

So I went and Let You Blow My Mind

Listening to this video makes me fall in love. With I don't know who, but it doesn't really matter.

Somewhere in between

The two styles I'm always bouncing back and forth form.